i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
