i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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