guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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