You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
