if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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