Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
