when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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