I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
