He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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