Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
