just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
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Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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