Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
as a side note pls kill me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
