Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
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