there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
