You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
