i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
