i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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