I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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