You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
