Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
