I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
