She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
