you guys were way drunker than both of me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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