My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
