While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
