i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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