I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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