Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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