if i can run in heels then i can drive
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
