So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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