we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
