HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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