He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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