Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
