went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
