I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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