just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
