I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize