shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
