So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
