just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
