he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
