I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
third nipple confirmed
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
