It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
