I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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