6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
