Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
