This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
