A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
