the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
