When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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