Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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