omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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