I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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