first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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