My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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