so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
