I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
