i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
