new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need to sanitize my soul.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
