I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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