Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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