so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
