my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
