The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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