I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
