So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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