I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
