my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
