woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They took my balls.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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